What is emotional safety and why is it important?

Becoming emotionally safe people and why this imitates Jesus

I'm a big reflector. I reflect on my own thoughts, my behaviours, my reactions and emotions. I love to analyse and understand what and why I think and do things the way I do. It's a bit of a hobby of mine haha. I'd never heard this term until recently and it intrigued me. The reason why I came across this term was because I found myself feeling different around my close friends. A feeling I'd never felt before.

It wasn't until I started new friendships in my 30's that I felt different around my friends than what I felt growing up.

So when I realised this positive difference around my close friends - I wondered why. What I started to understand was I felt so comfortable that I could be my 100% self. I never realised the opposite was true growing up and that was just normal for me. The lack of connection and an environment steeped in judgement and rejection was something I thought everyone experienced and didn't know there was another way to live. I wouldn't have been able to put language to how I felt but hearing the term emotional safety and coming to understand what that meant made a lot of sense to me. I grew up in an environment where a lot of my experiences and emotions weren't validated. So I learnt pretty quickly that I wasn't able to express my true feelings and emotions growing up; and let's face it, it's a mind-field of friendship dramas, hormones and figuring out who you want to be. I learnt to push a lot of my emotions down, therefore not able to process things healthily.

I learnt that if I said or did something that didn't hit the high standards of my parents, I would get judgement or a very visible sign of disapproval back. Again, reinforcing the importance of only showing part of myself and hiding or pushing the other parts of me down. This taught my younger self a lesson in rejection and judgement, and how certain parts of me seemed more accepting than others.

The vulnerability it takes to be yourself, directly affects the level of intimacy any type of relationship has. The more we feel we have to hide parts of ourselves, the more it gives way for loneliness, the feeling of not being known and also feeling misunderstood. Fast forward 20 years, I'm feeling this unusual, alien sensation that I can be my full self and vulnerable around close friends and not receive any judgement or rejection back.

This inevitably led me down the path of deep connection that I had never experienced before.

Lizee and I outside Buckingham Palace making the photo a bit more interesting!

What is emotional safety?

So let's talk about what emotional safety is. Corine Williams explains it this way, 'emotional safety refers to a sense of security and comfort that individuals feel in their relationships. It is the feeling of being able to express oneself without fear of judgement, rejection, or ridicule.' Karla Reimer describes it like this, 'it means that we feel comfortable sharing our hopes, fears, vulnerabilities and pain, with someone because we trust they will tend to our emotions with warmth and concern.'

Why is it important?

To understand why this is important I will describe to you the difference it has made in my life before I tell you what the experts say. When you grow up in a certain environment you have nothing else to compare it to, so everything I grew up with seemed normal to me. It's not until I experienced something totally different that it made me question the way I was brought up and how it affected the way I related to people. This lack of emotional safety I felt growing up really affected how deep I would connect with the people around me. Looking back on my life, I can see such a pattern of disconnection.

A lack of emotional safety can lead to people not expressing themselves fully, feelings of anxiety, stress, disconnection and even defensiveness, says Corine Williams.

As humans, our desire at the core is to be unconditionally loved (belonging), have our experiences validated (safety, emotional and physical) and feel truly seen (mattering). If these basic human needs are not met we aren't able to show up as our authentic selves and it alters the way we engage with the world too.

We are made for authentic connection! We need other people to meet these innate desires every human has. I didn't feel emotionally safe around people growing up and even in my adult life. I can see that because of this I disengaged a lot, I didn't want to or know how to connect on an authentic level or show up emotionally - all things needed to grow and thrive in any healthy relationship. Emotional safety is crucial for establishing a fulfilling and satisfying connection (Stephen W. Porges, 2017).

When we are living as emotionally safe people and have emotionally safe friends it enables us to have the freedom to collaborate, dream, be wildly creative, share bold ideas, feel increased compassion, and express ourselves freely with one another (Ellen Boeder). The benefits are endless really!

How do we become emotionally safe people?

Brené Brown gives us a clue, 'Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.' Without vulnerability emotional safety cannot exist. That is a scary place right! Being vulnerable can lead to rejection, judgement and a whole lot of pain - I've experienced this MANY times! However, I have also experienced the benefits vulnerability and emotional safety brings. And this is why I keep putting myself out there - being vulnerable when I don't know how people will respond.

When you find emotionally safe people - it will change your world and it will change how you show up in the world.

This is what we are created for and living in that safety, in that love, in the acceptance, only breeds true, authentic connection that satisfies our innate desires and also contributes to our mental health and well-being.

To read specific ways to becoming emotionally safe people, I found this webpage helpful: https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do-you-create-emotional-safety-in-your-relationships

What does this have to do with Jesus?

I mentioned earlier that we are created for connection and to be in relationship with people. The way Jesus lived His life on Earth shows us this fact. He was always drawing people in to do life together, sharing meals, sharing burdens and sharing joys.

Let's look at the ways Jesus shows himself to care for our emotional safety... In John 11, we see Martha coming to Jesus mourning that her brother Lazarus had died. Now Jesus knew He was going to raise him from the dead, so what we see next is so insightful and shows His character. Jesus cried! He was moved with such compassion for Martha and her loss. Notice that he didn't invalidate her mourning. He walked alongside Martha and cried with her. In doing this, Jesus is showing that Martha matters. That what she is going through matters to Him.

1 Peter 5:7 it says to cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. And if we look in the Psalms, we can see David constantly coming to God with how he was feeling and the depths of pain he was in. King David was the greatest king Israel ever had and in Acts 13:22 it says 'God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart.' If we take King David's example of how authentically he lived in relationship with God and God's evident approval for him, I believe this speaks volumes about God's care for our well-being and emotional safety.

Another scripture that tells us how God wants us to have peace; John 14:27 'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.' In 1 Samuel 16:7 it reminds us that the Lord looks at the heart and not what we choose to show on the outside. He cares about what's actually going on with us. Jesus walked this Earth authentically connecting with the people around Him. In Hebrews 4:15 it tells us that Jesus is able to empathise with our weaknesses. There is so much in scripture that shows us He is compassionate and empathetic towards us, knowing everything we go through as humans.

Jesus died for us! It is evident that God cares for us and wants us to be our healthiest selves.

Lastly, Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These are the attributes of our living God! And by the Holy Spirit we can grow more like Him. So have a think as to how you can become more emotionally safe to the people around you today. Use Jesus as an example and learn to grow more like Him. If we all do this, we will see people becoming their authentic self, the way God created us to be. We will see people taking risks, creating, and fiercely loving people, without fear of judgement or rejection.