Grief: When no-one has died

Can you be sorrowful and still trust God?

I have never experienced the depth of grief as much as I have then when my closest friend moved abroad.

What culture has taught me...

In my 35 years of being alive and living in the UK, I have been brought up with Rom-Coms, magazines with gossip about couples and who's dating who. My whole life is seemingly meant to point towards the pinnacle of what it means to be happy - finding a romantic partner. Our culture, through the means of social media, TV programmes, movies and magazines (I could go on), has linked happiness with finding a romantic partner.

It took me 25 years to step back and realise that friendship is way more valuable than our society and the things around us are telling us. We have not had hundreds of movies or TV programmes on friendships or magazines talking about the importance and value of healthy friendships.

The reason I mention all this is because when I had such deep feeling towards this life change and the world around you doesn't understand it - I felt like my feelings were invalidated and I should just suck it up and move on. So just because the world around me doesn't understand the beauty and depth of a friendship and how separating can affect a person, I felt like there was something wrong with me.

Let me just tell you now - there is nothing wrong with you if you feel grief with the changing dynamics of a friendship.

Lizee with two of her kids and myself at the beach.

In the beginning

Lizee and I have been friends for 4 years; not a long time in the grand scheme of things. We became friends in 2019 and when Covid and lockdown came, we formed a 'bubble'; her three kids, Lizee, her husband and myself. As you can imagine, when spending that much time with someone, you can form a deep bond in a short space of time; and that's what happened.

When Lizee told me she was moving to South Africa in 6 months, I was actually happy for her to begin with.

I noticed myself not enjoying the things I would normally enjoy. This lasted a few weeks before I realised it was because my closest friend was leaving. I hadn't realised the effect it would have on me - and definitely not to the degree it did.

It took me completely by surprise.

I found it hard to understand why I was finding this so difficult and what was actually going on with me. The lack of awareness about grief and the different ways it can happen played a part in me feeling so confused. It wasn't until I googled what I was feeling, I came to the understanding I was going through the grieving process. To be grieving the loss of a close friend (when they haven't died), in my opinion, is unheard of. The only grief I understood was when someone dies - and that's deemed as acceptable feelings for the circumstances. However, I was in unknown territory. I didn't know anyone that spoke about grief in the way I was dealing with it. It became obvious that most people around me didn't understand it either. People just expected me to be fine and move on. Most people didn't ask how I was or if there was anything they could do to help, as they didn't see there was an issue. But when someone dies - people understand this to be a difficult time, so know to ask how people are.

The scriptures that gave me comfort

Through this journey of grieving for a friendship that was inevitably changing before my eyes, the Psalms was a refuge for me. I had read many Psalms before, however, the emotive language used never stood out to me until now. It was only until I felt the depths of, for me what was a great loss, that I related to and picked up on the emotion turmoil that the Psalms speak of.

Psalms 143:7-8 Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you.

Psalms 143:3-6 I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Psalms 38:6 I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.

Pslams 38:8 I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

Psalms 130: 1-2 From the depths of despair, O Lord, I call for your help. Hear my cry, O Lord. Pay attention to my prayer.

There is something about reading scripture and feeling so seen in your pain. I don't know about you but in my first few years of being a christian I was in a church that had a toxic positivity mindset; where every bad or sad thought or feelings I had, they seemed to believe it would just go away with the right mindset and/or scripture. This left me believing i'm doing something wrong or I don't trust God enough if I still have these kinds of thoughts. So reading these scriptures in the Psalms and seeing that David was so deeply distressed but still had faith in God and believed the truth of His character was a revelation and set me free from the toxic cycle of thinking I was the issue.

I had never been shown that it is ok to feel so depressed and in pain, and still have complete faith in the promises of God!

God is the ultimate comforter

When Lizee left, I felt like the only person that fully understood me had gone. I am not close to my family and I don't have a partner. I felt the most alone than I ever had in my life. I was part of her family, I was like an auntie to her kids. I not only lost my close friend, I lost a family.

I have some amazing friends that helped me through this time. However, anything my friends did never seemed to fill the massive whole that was there after they left. God has been so faithful through this time. His kindness and love has been so evident. In this season, I have known the depths of God's character so much more than in any other season of my life.

I chose to lean into the presence of God whilst feeling the pain of grief - through this I put myself in a position to allow God to comfort me and show me the depths of His love.

Give yourself permission to grieve.

Unless you face what you're feeling, you can't process it and move on. If you're not honest with what you're feeling, your body will still hold it. You can either choose to process it when it happens or months or years down the line. One way or another we have to process these things properly as they don't just go away.

Take heart - God is with us through every step of the process.

And if we allow Him to, He will guide us through a healthy way to process grief, or any other life event for that matter. Scriptures are clear that you can have deep emotions towards life events and truly know the heart and character of God. Don't let the lie of 'you must not trust God enough if you feel this way' to derail you and make you feel far away from God, when God is close to the broken-hearted!